A Couple Of Questions

In the last couple of months, I have had a couple of clients ask me questions about my own healing. I thought I would also address them here in the blog.

The first question had to do with friendships and support. I was explaining how once you become healthier, it is natural that your friends’ group will change. You will most likely lose some friends and gain new ones. What do I mean by that and what does this look like? Well, I can only tell you my own perspective. I believe that when we are unhealthy, we often need outside validation, because we don’t have that inside of ourselves. We lack the confidence and security in our core being. That means we do not recognize the red flags. We take friendship wherever we can get it, no matter what. One client put it perfectly when they said, “It’s like I eat the shit sandwich just so I can get the Hershey’s Kiss afterwards.” YES. Exactly. But, when we get healthier, and we have gained that confidence inside ourselves, we don’t need as much outside validation. We recognize the red flags and want no part of it. In my life, I have found that in my true friendship circle, I have healthier people now around me. For the most part, my life now is “drama free.” Let me tell you, when I worked in the restaurant industry and before I started therapy, that was NOT the case. My life is calmer now. My friendships are more authentic now. I don’t need them to build me up, which also takes pressure off the relationships. Not to say it’s not wonderful when they do validate me, but that’s not the purpose of said friendship, as it might have been in the past.

The second question someone asked me was something like, “Do you still think of your abuse or abuser? Do you still think about what happened to you?” I cannot tell a lie. I do. But it’s different now. For one thing, it is not every minute of every day. It is not who I am anymore. I think that is the key. Now, it is something that happened to me, versus who I am. Also, I see it and feel it from a different perspective. I won’t say it’s “always” or “never,” because I am human. But the shame and guilt and pain has decreased. I also view it more from my adult perspective now, instead of like that 13-year-old girl. I will never forget my mom telling me that the first time she talked to my attorney, Kelly Clark, he told her that when he met me for the first time and I told him about what happened to me, even though I was 40 years old, it was if I became that 13-year-old girl before him. It’s not like that anymore. And the memories are not in “the front of my mind constantly” as they once were.

Healing doesn’t mean what happened didn’t happen now. I can’t ever forget. And it changed me, for good but mostly for bad. But I think I am now more like who I would have been if it had never happened to me. So yes, I still think of him, and about it, but not as much, and in different ways. It’s better.