There have been a couple of sayings in my mind as of late that I’ve used or heard in therapy that can be a struggle for myself and others. The first is, “You cannot buy bread at a hardware store.”
I think we all struggle with that in our relationships. We ask for something that the other just cannot give. Or won’t give. We focus on changing THEM. We think and hope “they” will get better, make different choices, hold themselves accountable, or behave differently. This desire and the fervent wish for them to change causes us stress and worry and depression, and that is because we are focusing on the wrong thing. We are going to them for bread, but they only have hammers, and nails, and lumber. “You cannot buy bread at the hardware store.” I have people in my life that can’t give me what I want, yet I keep hoping. That makes it not about them, but about me. We need to quit asking the hardware store for the bread. We need to focus on our own choices, our own responsibilities, our own behaviors, and hold ourselves accountable. We can only change ourselves. We can realize we need to go to the bakery for bread.
The next statement I’ve been pondering a lot is, “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm!”
This one is about self-care in a lot of ways. A lot of my past relationships especially had me always setting myself on fire. Or at least it felt that way. If a relationship doesn’t give you joy, then perhaps it’s not one you should be in, especially on an intimate basis. In a healthy relationship, you don’t set yourself on fire for the other. You don’t give and give and give to your own detriment. Co-dependency is just so prevalent in today’s world. In a healthy relationship, personal boundaries are set by both parties and respected. “No” is not a scary word. “Me time,” time to yourself for privacy or to recharge, for self-care, is allowed and encouraged.
Recently, when researching for a devotional about unity I came upon an excerpt from a sermon by Jennifer Slattery:
“Think of a chorus singing a hymn in unison. Everyone sings the same notes. There’s a certain beauty about it, but by the third verse, it’s boring. How much better for some to sing the melody, and others to find harmony lines of bass, tenor, alto, and variations of each. We end up with a full-bodied chorus of voices, some coming in from the left field, some booming up from the dugouts, some hovering above in the atmosphere, and others flowing in from the grandstands–all joining in to produce a magnificent blend. That is Unity.”
That is also a great example of a healthy relationship.