Reciprocity

Reciprocity is defined as “being truly heard and seen by people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart.” (Body Keeps the Score)

I’ve been thinking about that as I re-read Bessel Van Der Kolk’s book. Almost every client asks me how I did it. How did I get to where I am today when it comes to healing.

It started with a puppy, Rupert. Even Bessel agrees that animals, especially dogs, cats, and horses, can provide that reciprocity that one needs to begin healing. That dog opened a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed. And that’s when I decided I truly wanted to live.

Before that, I practiced isolation. I also was repeating cycles in relationships. I now believe my abuser was a narcissist, and I began to try and fix what went wrong by gravitating toward other narcissists. In those relationships, friendships, or however you wanted to define them, they were not able to give me reciprocity. Ultimately, I was not able to feel safe with them. We need to feel safe to heal. “For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety.” (Body Keeps The Score)

Trauma survivors often don’t feel that way. We feel “other-than.” We are isolated. We feel there is something wrong with us, and we don’t feel safe even in our own bodies.

After I decided I wanted to live, I knew I needed help, and I began therapy. Slowly, I learned that isolating myself was not healthy. I needed to find safety in relationship.

That’s where United came in. That’s where Tom and Gay, and Susan and Wendy, and some of my other true friends provided me with reciprocity, a sense of “belonging,” and safety.

Isolating oneself is the common ground and “go to” in surviving our traumas. We didn’t feel safe, and we went inward. To come out of that, you need to be in relationship with others, but the key is those relationships need to be safe, and loving, and healing.

Find your people, and they will help you heal!