Self Perception

Gabor Mate has become one of my favorite resources. He specializes in addictions therapy but also does a lot of trauma work. Does one have addiction without trauma? I wouldn’t think so. He will be one of the speakers at the conference in Orlando I’m going to the first week of November. I’m so looking forward to it.

One of the trainings I watched with Gabor Mate I use with clients a lot. It was an online training. In this particular segment, we watched Gabor in session with a client. This moment was so momentous for me not only as a therapist, but in looking back at my own healing.

We see Gabor in session with a man. He asks this client, and I’ll be paraphrasing all of this, “Tell me the last time you were angry or mad at someone.” The client said, “I hired this guy to do some work at my house and he didn’t show up.” Gabor nods, “And that made you angry?” The client agreed. “Yes.” Gabor asks, “Why do you think he didn’t show up?” The client frowns and says, “My job obviously wasn’t a priority. It didn’t matter to him.” Gabor nods and says, “Okay, so maybe he didn’t show up because it didn’t matter to him. Why else might he not have shown up?” The client kind of laughs and says, “Maybe he was stuck in a hurricane.” Gabor soberly nods and says, “Okay, maybe he was stuck in a hurricane. Or, maybe he has ADHD and has a hard time finishing tasks, or maybe he had a family emergency.” The client nods and says, “Sure, okay.” Gabor continues, “There are probably a hundred different reasons why this man didn’t show up?” The client agrees. Gabor then states, “Isn’t it interesting that out of all these reasons it could be, your first “go to” is that it’s because you didn’t matter?” The client goes still and then nods. Gabor says, “Are there other times in your life when you felt like you didn’t matter?” The client nods and slowly whispers, “My whole life.”

Gabor goes on to explain how we all have core beliefs about ourselves. For this client, his core belief was that he didn’t matter. Because of that, his entire world perception, his reality, was based on this belief that he didn’t matter; all his relationships, his jobs, his thoughts, his behaviors, whatever he did in life was affected by this negative belief about himself. Gabor says if we can change our negative core belief about ourselves, we can change our own reality.

This made me think about my own past. I used to believe there was something wrong with me. I was broken. This core belief about myself colored everything I said and did. I didn’t have healthy thoughts, I didn’t always make the best choices, and my relationships either didn’t exist, or were not always solid. That was my perception, anyway. Something would go wrong, and I’d think, “That’s because there is something wrong with me.” I don’t think that way anymore. I haven’t for a long time now. Once I was able to heal that part of me, my reality changed. I knew I wasn’t broken, and there was nothing wrong with me. My abuser put that on me to carry, but it wasn’t mine to carry. Now my thoughts are mostly positive and more in the present than in the past, or even the future.

What is your core belief about yourself, and how does it affect your world?