Setting Personal Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries can be a struggle for anyone, but especially for trauma survivors.  There are many reasons for this.  We are afraid of upsetting the other person, making them mad, or that they may “hate” us.  By not setting a boundary, we are trying to protect ourselves from more harm.  Or perhaps we just don’t feel like we matter, our self-worth is so low that what we need or want does not exist.  We don’t respect or love ourselves, so why should we expect others to?

The hardest word in the English language to say is “No.”  The second hardest?  To say “No” without giving an explanation.

For me, in my past, it became a learned behavior.  This is because I learned from my abuser that what I want, or what I said, or what I needed, never mattered.  Not only did it not matter to him, but according to him, it also did not matter to God.  So obviously I had little to no self-worth after that.

So how do you learn to set boundaries?  It takes time.  It takes practice.  It’s like a muscle that needs exercise.  It also takes self-care and understanding that you do matter.  And, you deserve to be respected.  When others respect our boundaries, it means they respect us.  That’s a sign of a healthy relationship!

One moment that stands out for me that I’d like to use for an example (to show you that I too have struggled with this, and I know you can overcome just like I did) occurred in my past career.  I was miserable.  I felt stuck.  I didn’t think I could do anything else, nor did I deserve to do anything else.  I felt like my co-workers didn’t like me or respect me.  They hardly talked to me.  And I was burned out and tired.  It was a combination of all of that.  To be frank, I was nearing a nervous breakdown.  I was encouraged to take some time off and take a little vacation.  I had always wanted to see the Grand Canyon so I planned a trip.  I had also recently read a book about this white water rafting company and knew where this famous “raft” was in one of the towns there and decided to go see it.  Lastly, I bought a book about all the deaths that had occurred at the canyon. I think a part of me was so tired I thought of finding a way to have an “accident.”  I’d say planning a way to throw myself off a canyon is a pretty sure sign I didn’t respect myself or anyone else.  I just wanted the pain to end.

As the date for this vacation got closer, a change occurred at work.  A decision was made that changed our flow and my work partner/boss asked me to cancel my vacation.

I tell clients all the time to listen to your gut.  Your head and your heart can lie, or be mistaken.  Your gut never lies.  Something in my gut told me I had to take this vacation.  It meant something.  It meant everything.  I can’t put it into words.  But I decided to listen to it.  I said “no.”

It was not easy.  My partner was furious, upset, confused, and very very mad.  I’m sure she felt disrespected, but she didn’t understand or probably care about my needs at that time.  I don’t blame her.  But at that time I had to set a personal boundary and respect myself.  What I needed DID matter.

I took the trip, and it changed my life.  Obviously, I didn’t throw myself off a canyon.  And I’ve never felt that despair since.  Taking the time away gave me perspective, and I realized I didn’t have to stay stuck.  But I had to help myself. No one else could do it for me.  Setting that personal boundary made me realize how my life needed to change.  I needed to surround myself with others that respected my boundaries, and I could not stay somewhere I was miserable.

Not long after that, I decided to go back to school.  I became a mental health therapist, and it was the best decision I ever made.  I am doing what I was born to do.  I can help others learn to help themselves.  Because you can do it.  You deserve to be respected.  You matter.  You can be happy.  And maybe, it just starts by saying “no.”

And by the way?  I did see the raft.  🙂