Feeling Heard

I am currently struggling with something that I know many people feel. Clients tell me all the time that they “don’t feel heard.” Either as a child, they didn’t feel heard by their parents, or in a relationship, they don’t feel heard by their partner.

It happens to all of us. When it happens to me, I feel myself shutting down. I tell myself, what I say or do doesn’t matter, so why should I even try? I stop contributing. I stop speaking up. I just… stop. But inside? My guts churn and I feel this burning inside. This burning is frustration and anger and resentment. This burning hurts me worse than not being heard, and I’m doing this damage to myself because I shut down and just… burn.

So other than the shutting down, I have two other choices. I can talk to someone else about my feelings. Whether it be in this way such as in a blog or journal, or in talking to a friend or colleague, another family member, or my own therapist. I can vent, and get all the frustration out. Sometimes that is helpful, but sometimes, it’s not. Sometimes that choice only works for a little while, because it hasn’t changed the situation with the person that I don’t feel heard with.

The third choice depends on the person that you feel isn’t hearing you. Are they a safe person to confront? Many of us have a fear of confrontation, but that doesn’t have to turn into conflict. Sometimes a confrontation is just telling the other person how you feel and coming to a resolution. This is when “I” statements come in very handy versus “you” statements. “You” statements put the other person on the defensive. “You did this and now I’m this way.” That most likely will not be as effective as, “I am feeling not heard because we aren’t using any of my suggestions.” Again, it depends on the other person. Are they a person that will listen to how you are feeling and want to help you, and to LISTEN and assure you that you are being heard? It may just be a misunderstanding. They most likely are not realizing, based on their own passion or interest or whatever is going on in their lives, that you are feeling this way. So simply by telling them, you can change the entire dynamic and change the way you feel.

However, if they are not a safe person in your life, and they will not respond in a positive way (based on past encounters with them you will know this) then not only may confronting them not be the right choice and unsafe for you but perhaps they are someone that you should not have in your life in the first place. However, that is an entirely different Blog post!

In these choices, what is healthiest for you? My guess is it is not the first choice… shutting down… which is what I know I want to do right now but shouldn’t. It’s best to communicate how you are feeling. Just choose the safest way, but BE HEARD.